"Love is a scam".
Dear readers,
My beloved friend challenged my long-held beliefs in romantic love and genuine relationships. Even though we had this conversation months ago, I reflected on the true meaning of love this morning. I wondered why some people view it as just a concept fit for Hollywood movies and a big tub of popcorn or as a scam. This perspective caught me off guard. As an eternal romantic, love is for me, the real power behind all that is beautiful, simple, and pure. Despite my efforts to remain skeptical, I still refuse to accept that human nature prevents us from truly loving one another.
Many of us could not understand what love looks, feels, or tastes like because we only experienced it through movie characters and overly romantic stories. We needed tangible examples of love. When we encounter relationships, they are usually portrayed without transparency. We saw only what was shown to us, not what happened behind closed doors. Unfortunately, most examples of relationships that were made public depicted love as the ability to endure infidelity, multiple families, and physical or emotional abuse. Very few demonstrated that love is about respect, tenderness, honesty, freedom, personal growth, and happiness.
Like many people of my generation, I discovered love within the pages of Harlequin novels, reading three to five books each week. These stories described love as a fire that ignites in your head, flowing through your spine and radiating throughout your body. It consumes you from within, allowing you to glow from the outside. It feels magical and unbelievable. Much of it revolved around sex, and this sex was always great, and always ended up with the climax. The authors also showed the characters' challenges to protect what mattered. However, these challenges seemed to be easy to overcome, and the characters' stubbornness in overcoming these challenges when they really are though, is not what we mostly encounter in real life.
However, once we closed the books and returned to reality, we looked at our own "Ti Jean" and "Anne Marie" and realized we had left our ideal partners in the fictional world that had captivated us. We longed for our partners to be as "real" as the characters we had read about. But can they be? They often lack the romantic and altruistic qualities we hoped for and may not be particularly skilled in bed. They can't always display grand gestures of love because they are penniless, selfish, arrogant, under-educated, or have been heartbroken by previous loves. They might have also become ensnared in an imaginary world, spending too much time in front of a screen and realizing that we will never be their favorite character. We are too human and, perhaps, too real.
I, Deborahj, did make this mistake a few times, but it was when I still believed in the Charming Prince who would come to rescue me from my nightmares.
Faced with the disappointment and pain of an unprepared reality, we transform this fairytale into something sad, declaring that love is synonymous with pain. We often judge someone's love based on how they handle the pain we inflict upon them, even if it's unintentional or sometimes deliberate, just to test how much they will endure for us.
Loving someone seems to become insufficient; we must also prove it. It is no longer enough to feel love deep within our bones; they need us to make them feel our emotions deep within their own bones. It may seem amusing, perhaps necessary. The only way to achieve this is to forget ourselves and focus solely on someone else. It would be beautiful if the one we love would do the same for us, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, we may find ourselves living for someone who is primarily focused on themselves and willing to die for someone who will not die for us but for someone else.
We turn to spirituality to understand why something so beautiful can also be painful. We delve into theories about soul ties and energetic bonds, hoping to find an explanation for our suffering. We convince ourselves that our pain must stem from past lives, seeing it as a karmic issue that we can resolve if we handle this situation properly. We hold onto the hope that we will know better and do better by the time we reach our next life.
Skeptics often turn to science to explain their feelings, attributing them to their pulse and hormones. They believe their bodies have betrayed them by causing emotions they shouldn't experience. I can't really blame them; I went through a similar phase myself and decided it would be best for my hormones to take a go on a vacation. However, inflation had me reconsider my desire. Ultimately, I found it much more affordable to take responsibility for my emotions instead of having my hormones going through airport security.
A few of us have given up due to disappointment. We are familiar with all the ways to say, "I am done," yet we still find ourselves confused. What exactly are we done with? Is it love and being loved? Hope? Spending everything we have on people who do not appreciate our sacrifices? Is it finished with those who change "receive" into "take" and never give anything in return? Are we done with old, unhealthy patterns? Or are we finally ready to stop expecting our partners to be who we want them to be and start accepting them for who they really are?
Love should not need to be proven. Why? Because true love proves itself. Our assistance may be optional and can often feel superficial. When we genuinely love someone, our actions and behaviors reflect the selflessness and authenticity of that love. If love needs to be proven, it's likely absent. When love is present, you will undoubtedly feel its presence. However, we sometimes have unrealistic expectations and forget that while everyone loves, not everyone loves in the same way. Everyone does what they can, even if their efforts differ from what we deem necessary.
The unfortunate truth is that we scam when we try to extract the most from our partners while giving little in return. We desire to be placed on a pedestal, expecting our partners to glorify us without showing appreciation. We want the world to be handed to us while hiding the little we have, akin to children concealing candy from a candy shop owner, unaware that the best way to receive is to give.
We all are scammers. We hope our loved ones will embody all the qualities we lack, expecting them to accept us as we are while failing to appreciate them for who they are. We crave understanding but are unwilling to extend the same to our partner. We all perpetuate this illusion of being the only one who deserves to feel special while postponing the reality check.
We are all scammers. We scam, but when we get scammed, we label love as a scam.
On this beautiful day, I will reflect on my ability to spot a scammer from a thousand miles away and my determination to avoid hurting a loving heart. Will I succeed? I do not know but I will give it my best effort. Ultimately, we all share the same feelings when we love, are loved, and fight for love, whether we are scammers or not.
With love,
Deborahj
This article is really thought-provoking!!!
Thank you Deborah, I appreciate the way the different layers of love have been laid bare - its illusions, expectations and realities - with such honesty. The idea that love is a "scam" has really resonated, especially the way in which societal ideals and personal disappointments and experiences shape our perceptions, often leading to unfulfilled expectations.
But do you think it's possible to unlearn these unrealistic ideals of love that the media, culture and our experiences have instilled in us?
If so, how can we start building relationships based on authenticity and mutual understanding rather than transactional expectations?